


eyes closed 11:11

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 06:44:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5575122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How many times can one person essentially write the same story? If there's a record then I'm clearly going for it, because this is yet another Stereotypical First Time 2009 Fic. </p><p>Title from Jinx by DNCE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	eyes closed 11:11

The first time they fool around is - good. It's good. Dan is nervous and they kiss a lot and they're both giddy on whatever this is. Phil gives him a blowjob and it's not the first blowjob Dan's ever gotten but he's stupidly enamored of the care Phil takes with him, clumsy and sometimes a little too forceful in his touch but hopelessly gentle in his voice and the way he looks at Dan. 

Dan jerks him off after and he's done this before too, to himself and a couple of boys, but it still feels like a completely new experience. It's never been in a bed, it's never been with someone he likes, it's never been completely sober and - it's never felt like sex. 

This does. It feels like sex. He feels like he used to laying in his girlfriend's bed, except here he doesn't have to halfway listen to make sure he parents aren't going to come home. This is him, in a bed with someone whose orgasm face he just saw. Someone he's spent the past few months cultivating this connection to. His crush on Phil was a pipe dream for a year and then a ridiculous distraction through the end of his relationship, but somehow it get out of control and now he's sleeping in Phil's bed with the scent of sex clinging to the sheets underneath him. 

It was easy to just lay it all out there online. It felt like almost no risk at all. If it went badly, back in the beginning, he could have just signed off and never have to deal with any of the consequences. That's always be the appeal of living half a life online to him; the pretense of impermanence. The ability to forget fuck ups by just disappearing in a way he can't in his day to day life. But then the skyping happened, then the texting and phone calls, then the booked tickets... and whatever happens from here on, Phil will have touched him (heh, Dan almost snickers out loud) in a way he won't be able to forget or leave behind. 

It's all so undefined that afterwards, once Phil is asleep and the lights are off, weird feelings creep up on Dan. He's already sure that he won't be sleeping tonight. There's too much to process. He can't turn his brain off, replaying moments from the day, smiling with one heartbeat and panicking with the next. He's not sure how it's possible to be so sure and yet so terrified at the same time. Phil likes him, he knows Phil likes him. Phil tells him a dozen times a week in a dozen different ways. Phil values him. Phil relies on him. Just because it's happened fast, in the space of only a few months, doesn't mean it isn't real. 

But Dan doesn't know what liking someone means to Phil. Dan wants to be Phil's boyfriend, but what if Phil doesn't want a boyfriend? What if Phil is just happy with friends he can kiss and get off with? Dan's really not good at things like that. He gets too attached too quickly, he's too needy for the kind of constant confirmation that a relationship gives. He needs to feel steady to enjoy it. Anything short of absolute certain just leads to a pit of petty jealousy and despair, and right now he's already feeling that too keenly in every other aspect of his life. 

Dan doesn't sleep that night. He lays awake staring at Phil's ceiling and memorizing the sound of Phil's sleep. This thing between them feels so real and strong and true but Dan knows how deceptive relationships can be. It doesn't matter how much you feel toward someone, things can still turn brittle and break in the blink of an eye. He and his girlfriend, they had years - so who is Dan to feel so confident in a matter of only months? His brain says one thing and his heart says another and all they can really agree on is that Phil's a perfect match in both regards and they'll be shattered if this doesn't work. 

* 

Dan blows Phil for the first time a few weeks later. It's Halloween and Phil's sat on the toilet in a house belonging to someone whose name Dan barely even remembers. He's sure he met the guy earlier, but he met so many people and spoke at length with almost none of them. Every time he turned around Phil was there, with his wide attentive eyes and his smile and all his focus right on Dan. 

He hadn't expected that, really. Dan had thought - he'd just assumed, so many of these people were Phil's friends first. He'd gone into this with an expectation that he'd end up disappointed, that Phil wouldn't have much time for him, that he'd feel secondary. He even already mentioned to his mum that he wasn't sure if he'd end up coming back that night or not. 

But it hasn't been that way at all. It's been Phil taking his hand so sweetly, Phil suggesting they go get something to eat by themselves, Phil that guides them away from the herd, Phil that leans in and kisses him. When another boy tries to flirt with Dan, it it's Phil that put an arm around Dan's waist and drew him in near, leaving signals clear as day that Dan is already spoken for. 

Apparently the quickest way to Dan's heart is a little touch of possessiveness and a few text messages that leave his resolve puddled on the floor. At this point, if Dan falls all the way in love with him - it'll basically be Phil's own fault. What was supposed to be a gathering with friends has just felt like a twelve hour date, and it shouldn't be a surprise that it's ended with sex. Dan's only regret is that they don't have a bed - or a real sense of privacy. 

Dan's always been a bit of a horny drunk and even if he weren't, being around Phil just makes him want and crave. The bathroom was Dan's idea but Phil hadn't put up any fight, just slid his hands up Dan's shirt and whispered that it was the second door down the hall. Someone's already knocked once but there's a second bathroom upstairs and besides, Dan's pretty sure they're not the only people likely to be getting up to something tonight. 

Maybe it should still feel sleazier than it does, but Phil's hands are in his hair and against his neck and they've been on each other for hours. It doesn't feel weird or cheap at all, it just feels like something he wants to do for Phil. He's intoxicated by the feeling of Phil pulsing against his tongue, feeling every little twitch and stutter of Phil's hips when Dan does something particularly well. 

He swallows because Phil coming catches him off guard (catches Phil off guard too, by the punched-out sound he makes) and Phil sinks to the floor and kisses Dan like he's greedy for it. Dan feels special and wanted and so turned on, and he isn't embarrassed (yet) over how he buries his face in Phil's neck and whimpers while Phil gets him off. It takes barely anything at all. Phil fumbles and uses toilet roll to wipe his hand off without letting Dan go with the other arm. Dan is clinging, maybe a little shamelessly, but it's okay because Phil is clinging back. 

* 

There's a shift in something after Halloween. 

It's better and worse at the same time. Better, more intense, scarier in a way that Dan doesn't want to run from. Worse because it feels like a game they're trying to play, but someone keeps hitting pause just after every big jump. They take two steps forward and one step back, enough to feel like progress but not clear enough to celebrate just yet. 

But between November and December, Phil just becomes a part of his daily life. The people around him begin to accept it. When he's texting at dinner, his parents know it's Phil. When he's chatting with his mates and he gets a call from Phil they know he's going to leave the room to take it. He makes his plans to visit a few times over, and Phil helps him pay for the tickets. They both take comfort in the next time they'll see each other being a when and not an if. 

But they still haven't said the words for real. When one of his friends asks if they're dating, Dan still doesn't have an answer. 

This thing between them is big and wonderful and it's almost like neither of them quite know what to do about it when all they really can do is stare at each other from opposite sides of a computer screen. Dan wants to ask what they are, what Phil wants, where this is going - and maybe Phil wants to ask the same thing. But they're too afraid and too far apart and so instead they end up trying to answer what isn't being asked in every little way they can. Every goodnight or good morning text message, every vague but completely transparent tweet, every time they call for no reason and admit that readily - they're making every effort to clear away confusion but feelings are nebulous and as soon as the call disconnects, doubt and worry creep back in. 

*

The week in December makes it all make sense again. 

Days and days all to them, and it's not at all a surprise when Phil whispers that he loves Dan. But Dan still gets a little teary anyway and he says it back a dozen times more, pressing kisses to Phil's mouth in a way that's probably ridiculous but Phil doesn't seem to care since he can't stop smiling into them. 

Dan spends the whole week feeling like he's being treasured. He stops all the weight he's been carrying over the future and relationships and his parents and university at the door and refuses to pick it back up again until he has to pry himself away from Phil. 

They have sex, actual sex, and it hurts a little and feels very undignified at moments but Phil's done this before and that makes Dan feel better. He enjoys the way Phil's fingers feel inside of him and the way Phil is willing to laugh at himself to ease Dan's tension a little. Dan isn't shy, not really, not with things like this - but there's always a neurotic sense of self-awareness when doing things he's never done before and it's magnified if he's doing them with someone else. Phil's kissing and touching and licking and biting and staring so hungrily at places on Dan's body his girlfriend certainly never went near and it takes some getting used to even while Dan realizes he wants to be doing the exact same to Phil, with no boundaries in between. 

There's no way to doubt himself when he sees the look on Phil's face as Phil pushes in for the first time, though. Phil looks stunned and overwhelmed and a little bit ridiculous in a beautiful way, mouth open and plump red lip just waiting for Dan to nip at it. When Phil laughs its shaky but his hands on Dan and firm and solid and his cock in Dan feels thick and too-much but just-right at the same time. His digs his fingers into Phil's shoulders, a blunt and sweat-slick grip, while Phil huffs and moves over him. He wants this, he wants Phil, he wants it all. In the moment, spiraling so close, the connection between them is blurred into every fantasy he ever had about this moment, wetter and hotter and scented like cherries. 

Afterward he lays in Phil's bed just like he had over a month before, and just like the first time he can't really sleep but that's all right. He can't stop smiling because Phil's his boyfriend and part of him thinks he should want to shout it from the rooftops but right now all he really wants to do is whisper it to himself, over and over until it feels real.


End file.
